Are the people around you supportive but don’t necessarily understand why you want to birth vaginally or end up with a smug ‘you’ll seen’ look on their face when you tell them your VBAC plans?
Do you feel a pang of guilt because you are considering a caesarean, even though the alternative are scaring you beyond your limits? Are you worried that you are going into battle alone?
That you will have to fight tooth and nail for the birth you have researched and chosen?
This is why I wanted to create Your Positive VBAC Place. Your watering hole for all things birth after caesarean. Whether you’re looking for more positive knowledge, videos you can show your birth partner, in person support with me, or if you’re not even really sure quite what you want or to look for, you are so very welcome here.
But Why Do I Care?
Because this was me. All of those feelings were my own. I can remember the guilt of wanting a VBAC like it was yesterday. I remember feeling tired not in my bones but in my head – constant thoughts that caused my mind to ache.
I remember feeling like a PS in the book of birth preparation. Like a ‘oh yeah if you are a VBAC mum here’s a couple of pages for you’ and I’d be sat there like ‘what about the other 100 pages are they are me too?Doubt, doubt, worry, worry.
This was for my second birth. For my first I was in the blissful naivety of a first time mother. I mean I had read the pregnancy book cover to cover, I knew the fundamentals of birth but I left the rest for the midwifes and doctors to worry about – what did I know it wasn’t my day job.
So when they found I had a surprise breech baby at 5cm dilated, I didn’t even know I had a choice to vaginally birth. (I still wonder what I would have chosen but either way it would have been nice to be asked).
I healed well. I bonded. In fact I had a year long babymoon. Wallowing in my new mummyhood.
It wasn’t until I became pregnant with my much longed for second child that I realised the effects of my caesarean on this second birth and it just felt unfair. I could not help but think why me. I didn’t know anyone else in real life who had give birth via a caesarean.
After I had got over the sickness and sleepiness (I remember those first months through a haze of trying to put anything on the telly that would allow me to close my eyes to my previously limited screen timed son), once I could think again the thoughts would not stop.
So I sorted out everything I could. I read every book. Joined every forum and Facebook group. I started to believe I could birth.
I would run a bath every night after my son was in bed, listen to music, practice my breathing, spend time in a beautiful place, relaxing my limbs one by one, and visualising my birth. I remember when I was 37 weeks telling my bump (in my mind I never got used to talking out loud to my baby) that I was ready, imagining opening up and allowing my baby to be born into my arms.
I went into spontaneous labour and birthed on my knees on the consultant led unit’s bed. I almost didn’t make it to the hospital let alone the bed – my little girl was ready. My labour was intense but hugely helped by breathing and relaxation techniques. I will never forget kneeling on the bed and picking up my brand new baby from between my legs. I was the first to hold her. The first person to look at her on this side of the world. (I didn’t hold Rowan for two hours after birth, so this was what I dreamed about). I held her to me in awe of her loveliness, her perfection, how content she was. Touching her face, her cute nose, her little tufts of hair. Her whole body cuddled into my arm and chest.
Upon awaking from another year of babymoon I knew what I wanted to do.
I want to fight for those that are not always spoken about. Us PS. Mothers who have had our own sets of fears, our own sets of appointments, extra talks about risks and not always given extra help or preparation.
Maybe I’m a dreamer but I always have a thought that comes back to me. Maybe it’s the effect having a daughter brings.
What would the next generation look like if our daughters were not scared of birth?
This crazy thought that what if we change how our sons and daughters are born. Change the dialogue of their birth story. Maybe we could change our daughters’ pregnancies, their births, change motherhood, make the world more positive and our daughters to believe that their bodies are amazing. And have our sons support and understand.
Maybe…………One positive birth at a time.